Sophia and I have been having our lovely mummy daughter Monday’s and I have looked forward to them every week, and I think she has too. Every so often she will ask me: “is it our day together yet?” As always when having a sibling it is difficult to devote time to each of them fairly. I have longed for the time with her. Each Monday we have done something different, this particular Monday we did a few errands, ordering the carpet for her and her brothers new room and getting the last bits to finish the room off so we can start on the interiors and make it homely. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer.
We then spent the rest of the day at home and pottered around. Really nothing special at all this Monday, but even so it was honestly one of the best .
Everyday I get to know Sophia more and everyday I see a new part of her. She is my very special little girl and even though some days she might be a little pickle I know and appreciate just like all of us she has these many layers to who she is and it is important for her to be able to express all of who she is in a comfortable and happy home here with her family.
She has all these layers I am getting to know and I have loved each one. I love her endlessly, her long golden blonde hair, her deep hazel eyes, which were blue when she was born and then went green and to now just as they are, hazel. She has the cutest little button nose and small frame. She is full of energy and runs around like a crazy lunatic sometimes but despite that I see her gentleness and that is something that escapes her always and has done at ever new stage as she has grown up. I see it so clearly. More so when we meet new people, when she is shy, when she holds a friends baby, when she is helping a child who has fallen over or a child that can’t see their mummy. She will be the first to spot unfairness and try to put it right.
Her gentleness is even more apparent when she is with her brother even though she can be shy, if she is there when someone is mean to him she has no problems with her confidence and sticking up for him. Her protective side comes out without barriers. She is never mean in her response or approach always gentle but a little stern. I like to watch from the outside and try not to interfere, I like to let them sort disagreements out on their own even so with other children as long as it doesn’t get nasty which it usually never does. Most of the time little ones can sort out any disputes perfectly well without an adult intervening and sometimes it is lovely to see how well they do that.
I love to watch my two grow and bond together I love to listen and appreciate. What I love most is reflecting on what I see. I was giving Sophia a cuddle earlier today and she grabbed my face and squished her little nose up against mine. She pressed it hard against my nose and we both giggled. Her legs wrapped around my waist and arms around my neck. In just one small moment I felt complete surety that this little girl is not only my daughter but she truly is my best friend. She looks up to me and asks me things that actually blow me away sometimes, and on many occasions I have to compose myself and my emotions and think a little harder how to answer her.
I have said it here before on my blog and I will say it again for good measure that I truly feel so blessed to have such a special girl. I feel even more lucky to have mothered her as a tiny newborn baby. When she was just minutes old, wet and screaming in my arms and I tried to shush her sad face, I told her: “it is going to be okay, mummy’s got you”.
From the moment she was born I felt the deepest connection I have ever felt to another human being in my entire life. I felt the powerful need to protect her. I wanted to hold her and never let her go. I remember as clear as day the moment I dressed her for the first time…. It was on the hospital bed, the same one I had just given birth on an hour or so before. I had had a shower with the help of Mr T and got myself dressed I came in to my mum holding her and the bed changed. My mum gave me Sophia and I laid her gently on the bed, her arms spreading out as if she felt she was falling. You know the cute startle that all newborns do for some time after they are born? As if the space around them is just too vast and too much for them. It always gets me every time. Every time I see a newborn baby do this tears almost manage to escape me, because it remind me of the day I became a mummy. It reminds me of the inconsolable baby, the aching breasts, and the heaviness. It reminds me of pure love and living in the moment. It reminds me of the most beautiful journey I have ever been on… motherhood. I pressed her arms back beside her body and asked Mr T to get her purple baby grow out from the bag I had packed for her. He couldn’t find it and I think it took him three tries until he found the one I wanted.
I put my hands through the baby grow and stretched it ready to put over her head. I took her tiny little arms and fed them through the small arm holes, the holes were almost as small as one of my fingers. I did the poppers, there were three. And then, I placed my hand on her tiny legs and ran them all the way to her toes. I felt her skin as soft as silk, she was bright pink, bright enough you could see the life running through her tiny body. I touched each of her toes gently and I still remember the love that pored out of my body for the little newborn laying in front of me. I stared at her toes for so long, I was mesmerised by her, as if in a hazy dream. I was exhausted and euphoric all at once. Her feet were so long something me and Mr T always laugh about because they had been flattened against her legs while she had grown inside of me. She has always been long and tall.
I picked up her tiny frame and held her close, I sat comfortably on the wheelchair and the nurse my mum and Mr T wheeled me through to the ward. I remember the bright hospital lights almost blinding me.. And there it began our journey. I could go into so much depth, the overwhelming feelings of love and gratitude the day she was born. And then of course the shock and the pain of breastfeeding that kicked in a few days later. But all of it a journey non the less. And still I could never imagine my life before Sophia. Never never. I often ask myself how was I happy without her here, without my life the way it is now how was I happy?
Being her mum is the greatest gift I was ever given and I am blessed for everyday we get to spend together. She has graced my life with a vulnerability and a fragility I never knew before I had her.