I haven’t sat down and written a meaningful post for some time. And I hate that, because I love writing. When I write something that rings true to me, the process of putting it down on paper and giving it to you to read is something I find soul satisfying.
We went to the park this morning, Archie and I had breakfast at Waitrose, and we waited for Sophia to arrive with her granddad. She had slept over the night before. We ate, Sophia chatted, and giggled, and wriggled on her seat. I think her middle name should be fidget. I had asked her for a cuddle a few times but she much preferred jumping around the place, and after a while it turned into jumping on me! I scrunched my eyes up every time she dived towards me, just in case she knocked me in the face.
After a warm cup of tea and a croissant we said our goodbyes to granddad and headed to the park. The air was fresh, although a little chilly from the night before, the sun peeping out from behind the clouds ready to make its appearance for the day.
Once at the park Sophia and Archie both ran to the swings first. I pushed them back and forth, tickled them; I enjoyed listening to bursts of laughter and squeals of delight from the two of them. Sophia’s blonde hair covering her face as she swung towards me, I could see her little grin through her strands of hair, I watched her and as if in slow motion she moved her head from side to side, all the while her hands clutched tightly to the metal chains that hung the swing. She held onto them for dear life and she shouted to me: ‘higher mummy higher”.
It’s beautiful to watch your children laugh and enjoy life, they haven’t a care in the world, and they are free. My children are here with me and I am so lucky, I get to share in the joy they create, as they giggle on the swing, as they enjoy the sun shinning brightly on their youthful soft skin, enjoy the cold air nipping them as they run wildly on the freshly cut grass. The trees and shadows surrounding them.
“It had me thinking…”
“Lately I have been finding life a little hard”
Sometimes that’s just reality, that’s just life some situations drive us to the edge.. Almost. I never get to the end of the road or edge of the cliff so to speak but I kind of feel like I am in good view of that possible destination.
I am always saved by something before I feel I could get there. I either get ill, or like I did the other week tore the ligaments in my foot. Well there you go although a terrible circumstance for my self and my family it saved me burning out.
I was forced to sit down and not move my foot, I couldn’t walk on it. I was sofa bound and had no choice but to sit down. Although that was short lived because as soon as I could put a tiny bit of pressure on it, I was walking on it and getting on with household life.
You see having a house to run, two children to look after and a husband is a full time job. It’s busy, it’s 24/7 and it’s all go go go…. and I love it, I’m not complaining I’m just acknowledging my reality at present.
When the center of the household falls a part, everything around starts to show cracks, the house becomes a mess, the children are a bit more whiney, the husband complains a bit more and I think everyone feels kind of lost. But luckily when I hurt my foot I had the help of my mother in law for a couple of days and my mum for a day. They took over and the house and thankfully it didn’t fall a part and I could truly relax for those days.
We all know as mum we can never truly relax, not ever, always carrying the weight of our family on our shoulders. After all we are the center of their world. Mums’ make it all better let’s be honest. Putting pen to paper and writing that down, on the one hand, makes me feel pretty proud that that’s me, but also pretty anxious as its a lot to live up to, an almighty job with lots of pressure and mountains of responsibility.
So although I tend to find life hard now and then, I am happy I appreciate and love life. I love so many things about just being alive and having my family. I have so much love surrounding me, which engulfs me in my own beautiful bubble of love and security, where I feel safe, and I am comfortable.
I really believe the bigger the challenge the better the reward. Every challenge brings out the fighter in you. Motherhood is a challenge, but when I look at my children and how well they are growing up I see the reward, its even better than a pot of gold, its not something that you can ever compare to money to equate its value.
If I had to give you some idea of the reward: to have 20 million loving hearts beating furiously inside of you,or just like the powerful heat that radiates from a burning furnace, its just that feeling of the deepest most purest love, its warm, and its for eternity. It cradles you just like your mother did when she held you for the first time, just like you did when you held your newborn in your arms for the first time after carrying him or her in your womb for just under a year, loving your baby with everything you have, even though you have never met him, never looked into his eyes, never breathed his sweet smell and never felt his tight grip around your finger.
Its value is eternal it’s a feeling that will never leave you. It will sit with you every waking hour, when you close your eyes at night, when you watch your child on his or her first day of school, when you hear your toddler say his first word, when you cuddle your child because you can. It will forever sit with you. Be your friend when you listen to your child laugh and be your enemy when you have that gut wrenching feeling as he or she takes the first steps onto the school playground.
Back to my foot…hurting my foot for instance was a hell of a nuisance but I got through it. It still hurts me now, but that doesn’t matter because I feel bloody grateful that I can walk and I can look after my family. Even though there are days when I’m feeling run down and don’t want to wash the dishes for the 5th time that day, or clean up after my toddler and his trail of bread crumbs. But that’s okay because injuring my foot has really allowed me to see how very lucky I am to be able to do all these things I sometimes loathe doing. And actually when I couldn’t do them I so desperately wanted to do them.
Life is becoming really busy again this week as we are preparing for holiday next week. In preparation I have felt quite stressed sometimes. I want to make sure I remember everything I possibly can for the children, so that our trip is as stress-free and enjoyable as possible.
But like I was saying before about life being hard sometimes. Well there has been nothing that I can pinpoint and say oh that’s been hard. I could say oh it’s the kids, Sophia’s whining and Archie’s clinginess. But it’s not that. It’s me. And I am impatient, I feel like I am trudging the same road. Even though I love the road I walk, I know I love it because I walk it everyday that I wake up. Most days I feel great, in fact 99.9%’of the time I am happy and thankful all at the same time.
And I think that’s part of my problem, that I am impatient. Know matter how spiritual I am and how I love to read and allow myself room to grow everyday.
Yes, I see life in front of me, I smell adventure waiting for me, I hear the world calling me, and I feel the meaningful moments in my ordinary life. I know that everything is extraordinary… and I get it.
But there is something about all of us, it’s part of being human, the social beings that we are, is that we don’t welcome change as much as we could, we don’t like to get outside our comfort zone. We don’t like to step out of our conventional ways of thinking, our habitual ways of life, our familiar life. We like it familiar.
We don’t want to take risks and that’s a shame because there is so much risk waiting to be taken. We are all so busy taking life for granted we really forget to see the beauty in every second that we exist here, you are here for some extraordinary reason, part of the universal adventure we call life.
“Make your contribution worthwhile to you”
Don’t worry what others may think of what you have to say, rather focus only on what you have to say, what is true to you. And remember really what is life without risk?
Society and social groups have a way of excluding people even though it may not be intentional but it still happens. It’s not a case of maliciously excluding. More unintentional, more getting on with life and groups of people feeling comfortable and relating to that group and so it gets larger, there becomes a sense of belonging (like blogging or YouTube for example) all the while excluding the people who don’t to live life the same way, and so a new group is born for the people who do things differently.
I have realised I don’t take enough risks I don’t put myself out there and make myself feel uncomfortable because I’m scared. I’m scared of what you will say behind my back, I’m scared I might get rejected, and I am scared of being hated.
But aren’t we all? To a certain extent… I know I so desperately want to be loved, adored and I want to make people happy. I don’t want to make hate or spread negativity that’s just not me and it is this fear of doing the opposite of what I want that has made me realise I don’t take enough risks. And I want to.
I don’t intend to do anything any particular way, I just do them my way, the way that is comfortable to me. I do life mostly without even thinking. I don’t categorize my life, I don’t say its good or its bad, rather that its mine, and I am happy in my life so that must mean its good..right?
One thing I try to do purposely is to be happy. I make the choice to be happy. And I am proud of that, I like feeling happy, laughing, enjoying life, watching my children run free, and being in good company. These simple things to me are magical and some of the most significant activities we participate in in our day-to-day lives.
I may think I don’t take risks everyday. And wish that I did. But when I look at my children I know I take risks. I have become a mum, a nurturer, I carried my children inside of me (to say that still blows my mind). I took up a degree when my first child was 3 months old. (I still can’t believe I am nearly finished this phase of my life) I risked it all and gave my heart to a man who I have been blessed loves me back. I have made new friends, learnt to trust, put myself out there on my blog.
These are experiences for me that I have been fearful of or scared of in one way or another but I have jumped on the train we call life and I have held onto it gratefully with two hands. And these hard days I have, they are making me stronger.
Life everyday is a risk and that to me is the most beautiful thought, risk makes everything worthwhile, it makes life real, I can almost taste the anticipation, the adventure … Even though I am in the thick of it and miles from where my goals are, I am happy here.
It is all part of the challenge, enjoying, appreciating and being grateful for what exists in your life now without completely achieving all of your goals.
“That’s the secret, it’s the ultimate key to life.”
Planting your seeds now is better than holding your seeds for a better day. Don’t dream and wait. Dream and take action. Taking action is the biggest risk you can take but once in action it shapes itself and weaves into your life so perf