It is not everyday I get to sit down and write about my daughter turning 5. I love her so much so I want this to be a special one. Although it is cliche, I have to say it, that our last five years together have flown by. I sit here now and I look back on the last five years and it seems to have gone by in just a blink of my eye, in a breathe, in a tear. Its gone.
But what I am most certainly grateful for is the whole experience with her thus far, that being her mum has made me who I am today. I am pretty proud of that. I am proud that she has made me a better person. She is the reason I get up each and every day and strive for better, she is the one who makes me smile when my head is not in it, she lights up my heart and reminds me to never sweat the small stuff.
It is having Sophia that started my journey along a road I have never before travelled, and yes in some forms that road is motherhood, but it is more than that it is the road of perspective. By giving birth to her, experiencing many ‘hard’ times and many ‘good’ I was able to grow and to learn that so very many of the things I encounter and experience in life are of my own consequence. When I learnt this I opened myself up to realising the most important moment of our lives is NOW. Realising that changed me, a lot. It made me appreciate right now so much more, the feelings, even the stillness, the little cuddles, the ‘I love you mummy’ treating these moments as moments that are not everyday (because they are) but special moments that right now make my heart light up, my eyes swell, and show my hands the real beauty of what they are holding. Her blonde hair touching my face as she snuggles in close, her arms wrapped tightly around me, and her cold little nose pressed on my neck. These are moments that if you pay attention, if you let these moments, they show you everything you feel you are missing. It ignites the human-ness inside of you. The pure power that you radiate. The magical moments you experience being a mum are more than magical they are completely powerful in their own right.
How special it is for me to see that everyday I get to wear my heart on my sleeve, I get to cry the most happiest of tears from the joy and pride she gives me. Watching her run confidently into school makes me cry sometimes because its a silent nudge from the universe telling me: ‘well done” and that ‘I have done it’ I have helped my daughter grow in confidence and take on this world in very many different ways, even if one of those ways was running happily into school. That makes me happy.
Parenting is beautiful its like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, like a bud growing into flower. From the start the vulnerable and so very fragile become ‘grown, into a beautiful fully grown and spirited creature. One that is pleasing to watch and one that makes you happy. Most importantly this attachment comes from the time and love you have invested and slowly perfected into helping your child become who they are.
How beautiful is it to see a beautiful butterfly or flower as you are walking. My daughter she is my own, she is part of me in every sense of the word and I get to carry her and join her in the unfolding of her and her life from the day I birthed her and forever more. Now that is magical. I get to see her children grow, the travels she may take. The creation and development of her unique personality. I tell her everyday how much I love her, but that will never be enough for me, because what she has truly done for me is a person is more than I could have ever asked. I will never be able to tell her exactly how much I love her because it is untellable, it is too big of a feeling to write down, to speak or to fully communicate. It is the endless cuddles and kisses, the way I lay her clothes down, cook her dinner, read to her and brush her hair. I find joy in nurturing her and making her room tidy, folding her clothes and watching her grow. Until one day she won’t need me, because she will be able to fold her own clothes, and wash her own dishes, cook her own food. So for now and until she is grown I will notably bask in her mere presence everyday, I will continue to find pleasure in helping her grow. If she can make me this happy I definitely want her to be able to make herself as happy as I am to have her.
Just the other night I lay with Sophia as I do every night while she falls asleep, and she held onto my hand and said: “I love you mummy” and I replied “I love you more”. A few months ago she came to the realisation that when she is older she leaves home and she made a point of asking me if she could stay with us forever and never leave home. Of course as my role of mum is to reassure her and make her feel safe, I told her “always” and that she never had to leave. So this particular night I said to her just right after telling her I loved her: ‘Don’t ever leave me okay” and she said: “I promise I wont mummy” and I’m gonna hold her to that!
I couldn’t think of anything more beautiful then birthing your child watching her grow, forging a great relationship and maintaining it with love and trust in the years to come. Gaining an honest friend with whom you have given your heart to. And then being given the gift of watching them grow. Isn’t parenting and motherhood so blooming amazing? I think so, I think so.