Oh April, I have waited all year to meet you. You give me hope that our days will begin to brighten after just a few more showers. April you are the beautiful reminder that summer is nearly here and for that April I love you.
Isn’t life amazing? The experiences we go though, the people we meet and connect with, and how everything always seems to work out so well even if days before you thought it all might fall apart. Life is brilliant and everyday is another reason to live, another reason to explore, and laugh, to make memories and hold loved ones close. Life is all about these things and more. Life and our time here means different things to all of us, to me it means family, it means love and it means happiness and fun. My two children remind me everyday why, they remind me how and they remind what we do it for. I don’t know what my life would be like without them, but I do know it would not be as magical, as carefree and as fun without the two of them. They have allowed me to slow down and appreciate my crazy thoughts, they have allowed me to find my true talents and opened doors for me in my life that I never knew existed.
So we are here, at the end of the Easter holidays, my beautiful little girl is back at school now. Most days I look at her in wonder and in pure disbelief that she is mine. To me she is perfect in every single way. My eyes see every little detail about her, her soft skin, bright eyes, and beautiful smile, I feel in awe of the beauty that radiates from her.
No matter if Sophia is rude to me or upsets me I still love her unconditionally. I sat quietly last night, thoughts tumbling through my mind and I realised that in every moment of motherhood no matter how I am feeling or how my children are behaving I don’t judge them. I could not even pick a fault in them if I tried. Now isn’t that beautiful! The way that being a mother allows me to see the true beauty and human life in my children, the way that I don’t judge them for what they say, what they wear, or what they do.
If only us adults did the same for ourselves, if only we didn’t judge ourselves every single day. If only we accepted ourselves just as we accept our children just the way that they are?
I do make excuses for her behaviour and say she didn’t mean it or that she is tired. And I do this all the time. Maybe I am a bad parent? I like to think it is more along the lines of really understanding her, I know that she is still trying to figure out who she is and sometimes that is a very overwhelming thought especially for a five year old.
I know that she is not perfect just like me and you and she has grumpy days and sad days, its all part of being human I know that from my own experience. So it is no different for a child.
All I know is that I was given something special from the moment her little seed blossomed in my womb, from the moment she sprouted inside of me and began to grow. She was able to successfully attach to me and use my body to nurture, protect and nourish her to life, and at this moment of attachment I was given the gift of unconditional love. How breathtakingly beautiful is the idea of it, the whole image, the growth and development of your baby in your womb is the most magical idea ever imagined and created in our human existence, and I feel privileged to have gone though it, not once but twice.
This magic I was given at that moment right at the beginning of her life when we connected and we decided to hold each other and grow together, is the unconditional love of a mother and baby.
The unconditional love I have for each of my children takes away any judging eyes, any negative thoughts and any doubts. It rinses them away the moment I became their mother, and as we grow closer in our love, further through the years, from the seed, to the real sticky wet baby cradled in my arms, to the five your old running around screaming with laugher; it just keeps blossoming and I have found more and more things to love about them as the days go on and as they grow older.
Sophia’s personality has bloomed from a tiny bud into a full blown beautiful flower and I am shown sides to her I never knew until she grew up. It is like peeling layer after layer and every time finding this treasure trove of all the things I wished she was; kind hearted, gentle, loving, and caring, she tries her best in every task and activity she takes on and if she could I think she would craft for the rest of her life. Making things is one of her favourite things to do.
One thing I know is that the only way to ever believe you can do something or to achieve anything in life is with love. When you are growing you need reassurance from your parents that you are loved and that teaches you to love yourself so that when you are an adult and ‘alone’ in this world you have learnt to love yourself enough to wish good things for yourself.
I am constantly reminded about the profound effect I have on Sophia every single minute of our day together. She looks to me for constant reassurance, when she is crying and sad I have to be able to make it better and I have learnt that no matter the problem, if daddy told her off, she grazed her knee, or there are no more yogurts left, I have to make it all better. I literally can’t fail at mending her fragile heart. I acknowledge the situation always, ‘I am sorry you feel that way’ and I make sure I tell her: ‘Don’t worry mummy is here and it will be okay’ I tell her that I will try my best to make it better, I tell her always that I want her to be happy.
By telling Sophia that no matter what I have her best interests at heart and that I am here for her, I give her the magical beam of love and light that I hold for her in my heart, the one that we have been growing together since she was a seed. I give her ownership of her feelings and reassure her that how she feels is valid, I reassure her that she might not be feeling good at the moment and that is okay. She needs to know I still love her and I still care no matter what she is upset about.
I don’t always know what I am doing, but for the last five years I have been observing and watching as best I can and I see things in other adults, and myself too that I like and things that I want to change. I truly believe I am not raising a child as such, I am assisting a person like you and me into this world and into their own beautiful journey here, and I want to do it as best I can. And don’t we all?
So when I look at Sophia with her big bright eyes, her golden locks tumbling down, and her beautiful smile, I think about being her mum, and I think about what I am doing, and I question it all, is it enough? No one ever told me what growing a little girl would be like.
All I know is that I was five years old once and I had feelings as important as any adult around me, but I couldn’t express them in the same way or on the same level.
I hope now raising my very own daughter who is five that I give her a space to try and speak about how she feels and a safe place for her to act out her deep emotions where I can be there to comfort her and help her in dealing with them. No matter if she upsets me or she has a grumpy day I as her mother will always hold this space for her, a space for her to try and find out who she is without feeling alone and overwhelmed with all the big feelings she experiences.
Being a mum and raising another young woman is certainly challenging but so beautiful. It’s a journey I am blessed to be on with Sophia. I hope she always feels loved by me and knows how very grateful I feel to be her mother.
I will continue to hold the beacon of love and light we created together when she was a seed, no matter if she upsets me I will hold it higher still and stronger still because there is nothing that lifts a person up and teaches them more about life than love. If you love someone and they are shown through you words and your actions they will blossom.
Here is Archie, he is full of mischief, full of energy, always climbing, always banging wood, and playing with his tools, he loves sticks and running outside. All of these things make him beyond happy. He has this zest for life I can’t explain but I feel it and I see it in his beautiful smiles and his warm cuddles. He grabs my whole face and kisses me and that makes me feel so completely alive.
He is going through the most beautiful phase at the moment where he just wants to be just like his dad. He looks up to Daniel in everything he does and when Daniel is at work he takes on the role of being mummy’s helper. He does a bit of fixing for me around the house, before grabbing some wood from the back garden for the fire.
He opens up his sandpit and does some digging throwing the sand all over the floor next to the sandpit only to pick it up with his hands and but it back into the sandpit. He explores everything and when I have my camera stand out he completely pulls it all apart. I have actually lost some of the bolts to it due to him constantly taking it apart. He will sit for hours building towers and pretending to fix. It is what he loves most.
He is happiest when following me around, being read to and generally getting involved in the conversation. He wants to be included in everything that everyone is doing. His favourite thing to do at the moment is jump on the trampoline and he has mastered the jumping well but looks so adorable as he bobs up and down giggling and laughing.
He is growing up so fast, and is now out of nappies in the day it feels like I no longer have a baby at home. Although he still wants me for cuddles now and then he is mostly always off playing.
I love his age so much, it is one of my favourite although exhausting at times he is always so full of the beans of life. I think when needed us adults can really take a leaf out of a two year olds book. They live life in the moment and to the fullest!