I wrote this the day I decided to stop the 9th April 2015
I don’t really know where to start with this post I have been in tears for the last couple hours beside myself, feeling myself fall apart with every tear, guilt and doubt engulfing me. I am feeling completely broken right at this moment.
I have to stop breastfeeding. For 1) I have thrush on my breasts, which I have had for a couple months and I can’t get rid of it and the pain is now excruciating. And 2) I am completely run down… to the bone. Since September last year my skin has been … the only way to put it is disgusting, it repulses me. Not that spots repulse me but just my face so red and blotchy and full of spots. Every morning I wake to huge mountain sized spots… you know those ones that look red and angry but there is nothing under the surface.
I am at my wits end with it all.
Feeling so exhausted and run down, feeling like a failure, a bad mum and I would literally accept the award for the worst person alive right now that’s how bad I feel. I know I am not but who the hell gets run down from breastfeeding. I can’t even fathom how it happened. But I suppose the 24/7 running after the kids, cleaning after them, washing and dressing them, laundry, dishing three times a day sometimes more has taken its effects on me. Having moved house last month and coming to the end of my degree, Daniel working all hours under the sun, all the while breastfeeding my 16 month old and tending to my very shrieky, squeaky 4 year old has probably had something to do with it too.
I don’t feel sorry for myself in fact I am more angry and in despair with the fact I can’t, I just can’t do it all no matter the months I pushed myself harder and harder to achieve it all, to write my blog and do my degree take care of the house and be a fantastic mum, a baby-wearing mum, a breastfeeding mum, a goal achieving mum and every other mum under the sun.
But I have taken a huge breath, I have blown out the stress, the worry, I have tried to let it be and let go.
Because earlier today as I was watching my son and daughter play together after just refusing Archie a feed, when he gently asked me: ‘more mama more, ta mama ta’, I burst into tears, they spilt down my face like running water from a tap, furiously and without remorse. You bad mum you Tanita you very bad mum. Taking away your sons only comfort, the one thing that he loves more than anything. I hate myself, how can I do this because selfishly I am in so much pain.
I put the television on in hopes to distract myself from these tears. And the song that was finishing was let go, let go… let go of everything. And then another song started which was Rihanna .. I think I’v had enough, and I switched channels, all the while in the back of mind taking those words from those songs as a sign that it’s okay Tanita your doing okay.
But I still sit here tonight on my sofa tears in my eyes, a heavy heart and a gut of guilt because no matter how hard I try, how sore and hard my breasts are because I haven’t fed Archie today, I just can’t kick the feeling that I am failing and giving up. I can’t help it I already miss breastfeeding (its been 12 hours), holding Archie in my arms and looking into his brown eyes, holding his hands and feeling them so softly stroke my arm and stomach. I will sure miss these moments but I know I sure as hell have treasured them so bloody much more than I ever dreamt I would.
Ending a breastfeeding journey is like ending an era, it’s a poignant point in a mother and a breastfeeding baby’s life, because it is so very special; there is that amazing bond and extreme love that is unbreakable.
It’s soul satisfying to have your baby so close, feel love so intensely and know you are the only person in the world who can comfort and love your child like you do. It’s beautiful, it’s a gift and it’s one that I have been lucky enough to experience for nearly 17 months. I will be forever thankful for this no matter how much pain I am sat in right now. I am probably in for a long night because I have no baby here to feed. He is at my mother in laws tonight because I don’t want to give in, because my pain is nothing when I hear my son cry for breast milk, it really isn’t and that is why it is best for him to be with his granny who loves him just as much as I do.