Motherhood is so much more then I ever expected it would be. I came into it suddenly and I was naive. I was young and I didn’t know it then but I was still finding out so much about myself and my needs let alone another little human that was already growing inside of me.
Well. It happened and I become a mother and nothing could have prepared me for the whirlwind laid before me. The emotional, physical and mental exhaustion contrasted with the intense euphoria was a lot to take in. Overwhelmed by it all many times over.
It has been five years now and I have two little miracles in my arms. I can just about manage to hold both at the same time. I have my routines, my to do lists, our out of school activities, a network of amazing friends, supportive family, and I can just about see I almost have it all, and under control too.
Just the other day as I sat folding my laundry as I do mostly every day, a repetitive, ordinary, motherly ritual, I smiled softly to myself. Because in the chaos of having two young children and even the days I might loathe doing the washing, those few minutes/hours of folding washing, gives me a little peace. A little down time that I wouldn’t necessarily give myself if it wasn’t for having to fold the washing. I get to think, I get to let my mind wonder over the little bits of life that run away from me in the everyday. I sat folding Archie’s t-shirts, I held up the yellow one I had brought him just last weekend, it said in bright blue letters across the shirt: “Sunshine”. Sun-shine I thought to myself how bright and full of warmth, how comforting in the darkness.
I smiled thinking just how much Archie is my sunshine his warm smile and over bearing hugs. He is so in tune with my needs and feelings, I don’t have to tell him mummy is having a bad day (nor would I ever) But if I am he manages to make me smile and tell me exactly what I need: ‘mummy lets go to the park’ he says throwing his arms around my neck and pulling me to the floor. ‘Ouch Archie be careful with mummy’ I tell him sternly. He laughs, pulling me more. I feel myself getting angry my patience slowly disappearing, and, he lets go. He reaches for my arms and starts to scratch at me, smiling at me saying: ‘tickles mummy tickles’.
I cant help it, I look deep into his brown eyes and I see his love, his love so radiant so warm, like the sun. He somehow manages to reach way deep inside my heart and fix it, reach way deep inside my mind and put it back together. I laugh at him, a little tear manages to escape. I think to myself: ‘you are silly getting so angry’ He has been a good teacher today, and I have listened. He helped me remember I am in charge and that I am not a prisoner of my thoughts. Yet again like a caged bird he managed to free me from myself in as little as two minutes, reaching to my arms to tickle me. I laughed and gave him a cuddle: ‘thank you my baby, mummy loves you so much’ and we lay on the floor together heads aside each other his arm now wrapped around my head. I could feel his little fingers tickling my ear. He giggled. ‘I love that sound’ I thought to myself.
No matter what life throws my way, no matter my thoughts or my heartache, just one look at my laughing child, just a moment to let go and listen, to relax, and I am reminded that his laugh and his deep brown eyes are more important than anything else in this world.
I sit folding my washing and let the thoughts tumble in and out, just as in life the experiences tumble in and out, all the while knowing it is up to me to chose what is special and what is not.