You Son

056IN THE EVENING

I sit here in the evening and I remember it all. I am taken back to where it all started with you. It wasn’t easy. It was full of the most intense feelings I have ever experienced in my entire life. But all those moments, the late night feeds, the closeness and how you nuzzled your little nose into my breasts, I still long for the feelings now. All of it no matter how much some nights I was beyond exhausted I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

I loved watching you trying to eat your tiny newborn hands, your little tongue poking in and out, it was so cute. That’s when I knew you where hungry and I would raise you to my chest and that’s where you have always found comfort. And then just like that you were a little boy. Just like that. Its seems that now we are here it went past me in the blink of an eye. Raising you my son has been the most amazing adventure.

Oh boy, are you fierce as you are strong and wild. I know no one will ever be able to tame your wild heart. It beats with a passion for life, it beats fast and I see a strength in you I have never seen in anyone before. It is only when you fall asleep does it slow. It is how I always imagined you. I wouldn’t change you for the world, not a inch of you. Just the way you are now is perfect for me and I am ready for you to show me even more treasure on our journey.

I am happy to take a step back and watch you climb the over 5’s climbing frame, I am ready to let your little hand go as you run off to play without looking back. I am ready to not help you climb the ladder to have your turn on the slide. I am ready and okay with it. For actually I know quite well that even if I was not ready or not okay with letting go you would have forced me anyway. You have a will and way to show me just how capable and ready you are. So if you are ready I am too.

I get these first few years with you and I will soak them in as much as I can. I don’t think I could soak it in anymore if I tried. All the cuddles the love and the little kisses. We cuddle longer on the sofa, I stare at you longer when you are asleep. I squeeze you a little tighter when I pick you up from nursery. I let you go off to play with your big sister and her friends a little easier even though in my heart I feel it and my eyes they show it. You are getting so big and I feel it so much. It hurts a little.

DAD

YOUR DADDY

And then on top of all these emotions and experiences… there is your daddy, my Mr T. Our one love, the man who helped create you and bring you and your big sister into our lives. I see how you love your daddy and how you want to be just like him. I see how you look at him and wish so much that you were big and you could build and cut and drill too. I see how you help him and pass him his screwdriver and spanner while he works at home. I see that you so desperately not only want his approval but want to be with him every step of the way. Everything he does you want to do.

You both have the deepest and darkest eyes I have ever seen. I could get lost just looking into them.

You two boys could not bring me more joy if you tried. Late evenings on the sofa when Archie seeks cuddles dad will hold my hand too and in that moment I feel so needed by the both of you. I look at you both and I know how much you love me and I feel blessed. Archie you see how he grabs my hand and twists his fingers through mine. You look up to me your little head just below my chin and you smile. I tell you both just how much I love you. Its not every evening but just tonight Sophia went to bed very early and it was just the three of us up.

Archie you felt a little special because you don’t usually ever stay up later then your big sister because you are only two and a half. But you told me and daddy: ‘me stay up late yesterday” which means that tonight you get to stay up late. Even if only for another 20 minutes or so, to you that means so much. You feel big and you feel happy. You have dad and I to yourself for a little bit and you absolutely love it. You don’t mind sharing dad with me on those nights. Because usually only you are allowed to have me for a cuddle. We always laugh because you really are the most cutest little boy. We feel lucky to have been blessed with both you and Sophia. I remember the day we found out you were a boy, I like to think of it as more of a conformation of what we already knew in our hearts.

I had quite an inkling you were a boy from the very moment I knew I was pregnant. At 12 weeks I had been shopping with my lovely mother in law and I had seen a navy blue sleep suit, newborn size, with a cute monkey on the front swinging from a branch. I said to your granny how lovely is that sleep suit and I think I want to get it. I think its a boy. She said well lets get it, and she went in and brought it for us. I was so pleased with it! I couldn’t quite believe I had just brought a boys sleep-suit without even knowing I was carrying a boy. But somehow I just felt it. I felt that you were. I walked along the pavement with my shopping bag in hand and your little monkey sleep suit in first size folded inside, and, I remember feeling as proud as punch.

On the day of the 20 week scan, as the sonographer scanned you, there it was as clear as day! I was absolutely over the moon in every single way possible. Your dad had come from work so had his work van and I my car with your sister. When we had arrived home your dad had told me how he had screamed at the top of his lungs “YESSSSSS” in his van. We were over the moon. Our boy our beautiful boy. We couldn’t have been more proud. I was just so excited I had been given the chance to mother both a boy and a girl. I couldn’t have wished for anymore. I got your big sister first and she has been an absolute joy. So here I am feeling a little emotional at the fact that I have two children now… no more newborns, no more babies. But two little humans. And that’s it. Just like that. Life goes too quick. 

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4 Comments

  1. August 18, 2016 / 8:05 pm

    Aw this is so so so lovely Tanita, it made me get goosebumps as a lot of your writing often does. I honestly didn’t know what to expect when having a boy but he literally has captured my heart, he is just the most wonderful, happy and cuddly little soul. It is so lovely having a son. x

    • August 25, 2016 / 7:20 am

      Aw thank you so much lovely. It does go too quickly doesn’t it. I try my best to savour all the moments I can. xx

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