The week has been a complete whirlwind, in the midst of it all there are moments that stick in my mind, dancing in the living room to the radio on our telly, Archie and I laughing. I can see it in slow motion so clearly his face a picture of happiness, his grin wide and dimples either side. Don’t you think moments like this flash before you in an instant but when you take a moment to look back those seconds can reply and last a lifetime in your mind?!
I have seen so many moments over the years I have many memories, all kinds. Specifically motherhood moments and memories that are embedded within my heart and my mind. Giggles of pure delight, baby hands touching my face. Looking into the eyes of my newborn baby and feeling the pure joy of life, seeing nothing but love and realising what is most important in my life.
But of course in life there are also hard times, and we are coming into that phase as a family at the moment. I don’t really know if ‘hard’ is the right word to describe it but challenging non the less. Sophia is going into theatre tomorrow to have surgery. She is having a tonsillectomy. A tonsillectomy. I repeat that over and over in my mind. I am trying to come to terms with it. But I just cant. I cannot fully comprehend in my mind that tomorrow sometime after 7.30am we will be at hospital and Sophia will be in the care of someone other than me. Her life will be in the care of someone other than me. It will be highly skilled doctors and nurses, but, it wont be me. And that is scary.
I sat with her tonight before she went to bed and we had a lovely cuddle. I told her all sorts of wonderful things, that I am so proud of her, how lovely she is, how special and kind. I told her these things and I thought about tomorrow and all the while I held myself together. I held back those emotions that I am keeping locked inside. I stay strong for her. I tell her she is safe and she is going to be absolutely fine. But inside I am all over the place. Every time we talk about it I get a huge lump in my throat that I can’t swallow. I cant swallow it at all no matter how hard I try. I hold back the tears and I tell her how exciting it is that she is going to have a big telly and her own room at hospital just like the nurse told her. She has packed her bag with her white Elsa slippers from her cousin, her pj’s her granny got her for Easter, her favourite gown, her bunny that she sleeps with, and her iPad. I have popped a little gift in my bag for her too. She’s looking forward to having some ice cream afterwards.
When we went to her pre op last week I was terrified, I was so worried they were going to do a blood test on her but they didn’t. When we arrived we had the most wonderful nurse. She was kind and caring and so soft spoken that I was forced on many occasions to hold back my tears as much as I could, I was so close to bursting out crying more than once but somehow I managed to hold it all together, for Sophia. This moment is big for us. I have put off her having this operation for as long as I can. She was supposed to have it last year but again I put it off. So, here we are a day to go and I am feeling it. I hope and pray that I can hold it all in for my little girl so she doesn’t see how scared her mummy is. So that she goes in there with confidence and the reassurance that all is going to be okay and that she is going to come out better then she went in. I will be waiting for my cuddle.
I love her so much and I am reaching out for some love to be sent our way. Some really powerful love because I need it more then ever.
I have seen so many moments over the years, I have many memories, all kinds. Specifically motherhood moments and memories that are embedded within my heart and my mind. And I think this one might be the most challenging one so far.