‘It’s okay baby’
I am a human…just like you. I do what you do, just in my own unique way, which connects us more than I could ever explain. Us humans, well we are extremely complex in more ways than one. I am a parent too. And if you are, well we are on this incredible journey together. A journey where we are learning at every moment, one where we really never stop; loving, thinking, doing, managing, making it through.
Becoming ‘mum’, made me. I have said it before and I say it to my mum all the time. I am constantly reliving the life my children have breathed into me, reliving it through how I speak reliving it through how I think and most of all truly living it in the way that I love them.
The best way for me to explain it would be to say that they have given me the opportunity to believe in myself, they have given me a purpose beyond anything I ever imagined for myself. And to put that down in writing, makes me not only incredibly proud to be a mum but also so grateful I become their mum. I am so grateful. I have always struggled in life and searched life for my purpose, for my ultimate destination. What am I here for? I have realised that actually it is a lot less complicated then I had been envisaging it to be. I wrote a little about this in my previous post. But I know what it is now, my purpose, and I could only have wished to have found it sooner. But I didn’t and that’s okay, because right now, well, it’s the right time, and I am open to fully appreciating it now.
It is to love with everything, and love not just anyone, but a few people in particular. To love my children so much and too much they are covered from head to toe in a beautiful, warm, glowing light that radiates around them and protects them from harms way, that lets them know how deeply and so intensely they are loved, that lets them know they are worthy, worthy of anything their heart so desires. So that in feeling worthy and so deeply loved they have an empathy, and kindness for others only a child who has been gently cradled by their mother knows. Having my two beautiful children has brought such clarity to my life such an awakening that I wish every single mother who gives birth embraces.
Embrace the new woman you have given birth to. When I gave birth to Sophia on a cold winters night, just minutes after midnight, and again when I gave birth to Archie before midday, both times I gave birth to myself. First and foremost I shredded some of the old me when I went through childbirth and secondly I grew more and developed a beautiful and very powerful perspective. One where I look into my husbands deep brown eyes, and I can see into his beautiful soul and I know, I just know… him; the words that he speaks, I can see who he really is, I can cry with him, laugh with him and love with him. And the only reason I am able to be who I am in this life right now, and enjoy it with him is because of my two beautiful blessings, because of the two births that began my story, which created a woman who has a hunger for life and a hunger for love, so strong you can feel it burst out of her heart and right out of her mouth. Its in her heart and its in her words.
I am able to see real beauty in the small things, the minor things that the old me would have overlooked with just a glance. I lay with Sophia last night, and I watched her intently as she fell asleep, I watched her take a breathe in and breathe out, softly, and I watched as she fell into a deep slumber. I have always noticed that her breathing changes, it becomes slower and a lot deeper, her hands still and her body peaceful. In that moment watching my four and a half year old sleep I remembered holding her for the first time in my arms, the moment she fell out of me and was passed through my legs into my arms, the huge relief I felt when I held her warm wet body in my arms. She was screaming. I remember looking down at this little human her face scrunched up and her cries so loud I could see her lungs filling with air, her body turning pink as it filled with life, her arms stretching out as she was lost in the space around her, I looked down at her and I told her: ‘its okay baby mummy’s got you’ my first words to her. I just wanted to love her, hold her and kiss her; I wanted to tell her how amazing she is to have made it here, to have grown inside of me and to have formed so perfectly. And I wanted to thank her, for choosing me to be her mummy. The emotions and experiences I have been through up until right now have given me a range of different feelings and emotions, some so intense it felt like I had had the wind pulled out of me, some so gentle I felt like I had been touched by an angel. I pinch myself because it all seems like a dream, a really good dream that I don’t ever want to end.