{Isn’t the thought of another baby just so utterly beautiful}

Baby

I feel a little all over the place at the moment. Nothing has happened, there is just a lot going on in my head. I am thinking about so much, worrying, going over, doubting, lacking inspiration, trying to find me again. After a long summer with the children, which I think all us mums can admit are a little intense. A four year old and a one year old. Need I say more?

It was lovely, in so many ways but also overwhelming. I rolled through the days on hardly any sleep and still managed to whizz around like I had a never ending supply of energy. I don’t know how I didn’t collapse from it all. But I didn’t. And I am here now kind of feeling flat… I think that is the best way to describe it.

I need to pull myself together and get this lovely o’l blog of mine back up and running like it was before and during the summer. September has knocked me back significantly.

I have also been dreaming about babies recently too. Over the last few months. I never thought I would want another one after Archie, because having two, while doable, is completely challenging too. Both at home, both needing mummy, and always simultaneously too. Its a whole new ball game to having one.

So when I sit there quietly dreaming about a third baby, dreaming of all the snuggly newborn cuddles, breastfeeding again and the wonderful new baby smell. I find myself completely forgetting about the sleepless nights, the struggles to keep awake in the day and look after the other children. The little to no time at all with my husband. And then I really contemplate if it is the right thing for our family. I like the idea of another baby been a ‘surprise’ or gift’ as I really don’t think there will be anymore babies in our future, unless however it was unplanned. This of course would then be the only way we would have another. And sometimes I wish for that to happen because I know it would be the only way. But then I also don’t wish for it to happen either because I know how much time and effort a new life brings to a family and especially a mother. I know how much it will also effect the independence of my other two children.

I always told myself I wanted enough to cope with so that I could devote as much time to them as possible. I come from a family of three girls. I love my sisters but if I am honest I always remember wanting more of my mothers attention. So thats when I really am certain I don’t want another. But isn’t the thought of another baby just so utterly beautiful?

I am older, more mature. I am wiser. I know I would make an even better mother than before. I feel like I was a better mother to Archie then I was to Sophia. Mainly because I did things my way. I was more confident and I could beat myself up about that for a lifetime. But it wont change anything. I was 21 at the end of the day. And it is only in hindsight I see how very young and slightly immature I was. Grown up in some ways but still so very young in others. Looking to others for ways to make my baby sleep better or eat better. Rather than trusting myself and what I knew. I suppose I could only ever have been more confident and knowing what was best by doing it the first time to learn. Sophia really taught me so much and even now she does. She was the making of me. I am wiser, kinder, and more mature because of her.

I know I was a good mum to her, the best mum I could have been back then. But I always say to myself if I knew then what I know now…. That I didn’t need to stop breastfeeding to get her to sleep through the night, I didn’t need to try ‘the crying it out method’ to make her sleep. I didn’t need to worry that she wasn’t eating enough, and it was okay that both she and I wanted to co-sleep. If I could have told myself that rome wasn’t built in a day I think that would have been great advice too. Our relationship was not built in a day. it was built over the last 5 years, solidly through the love I gave her, the time I spent playing and reading to her, the times I held her hand when she was shy. When I offered her protection from the things she feared. When I told her that I loved her. These are the small gestures and the everyday actions that built our relationship.

The most beautiful thing to me is that we are still at the beginning of our journey and we still have a lifetime to build our relationship.

I treasure you little girl and I promise to be here for you, to hold your hand though it all and offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it. I have dreams to be here for you no matter what and in more ways then you need me. You are the funniest little girl I have ever met, the most beautiful and the most wise, you are wise beyond your years. You are the perfect daughter in every way possible for me. I couldn’t have asked for better.

Before I had you I had the recurring message from articles I read and people I met that having you so young would mean I would be giving up a lot. I could say here that I gave up everything to stay home with you. But really I gave up nothing. I gave up working for someone else 9-5 everyday to be home with you. I did it not to be better than anyone else but because the instincts inside of me where so strong to stay home with you it brought me to tears at the prospect of returning to work. I could not see you been taken care of by someone else while I was working. At the time of this decision we had no idea how we would survive financially. But we did it and things worked out and it was all so very worth it. To watch you grow up over the last 5 years is an experience I would never pass up, I would do it again one thousand times. You make me so proud. I look forward to all the years ahead of us, to the good times and the testing ones, I know without a doubt all of it will bring us closer and make our bond stronger, I love you so much.

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15 Comments

  1. September 30, 2015 / 9:24 pm

    Ah what a beautiful post Tanita. I am a bit all over the place myself at the moment, it must be the time of year. We always said two children but I think we have definitely started thinking about a third more recently. It is so hard to make that decision, especially as the jump from two to three seems a lot more to me. x

  2. October 5, 2015 / 8:23 am

    I wish you well whatever you decide to do. My parents always said that it was better to have an even number rather than an odd (they had 5 children), but I’m not sure that’s always the case.
    Erica Price recently posted…Week 40 of 2015My Profile

  3. October 5, 2015 / 11:30 am

    Ah what a beautiful post! I think your words are true for so many mothers. With the first child we take other people’s advice & opinions much more seriously (especially with sleeping & breastfeeding). With the second child we are experienced & have our own opinions & ideas that work. It’s lovely you can stay home & enjoy your kiddies x
    Becky, Cuddle Fairy recently posted…The Connacht Hotel GalwayMy Profile

    • October 9, 2015 / 6:43 pm

      Aw thank you Aby! Bless you I can imagine. Xx

  4. October 5, 2015 / 3:41 pm

    I have three and I have loved having Erin. Somehow she balances the family out and I am so chilled with her and everything she has bought to our family even though she has been the one with health issues.
    Emma recently posted…Using Aromatherapy at homeMy Profile

  5. October 5, 2015 / 6:07 pm

    Aww beautiful post 🙂 I hope whatever is decided either through you or as a ‘gift’ it makes you truly happy. Its fantastic that you have spent your time with your children in their most formulative years. We only have one at the moment and remember the pressure I put myself under because of other opinions. I am sure if we are to have another I will do a better job of doing it my way :). I also hope you settle back into everything xx
    mudpiefridays recently posted…The Scarecrow’s Wedding – Connaught Theatre WorthingMy Profile

  6. October 5, 2015 / 8:52 pm

    What a lovely post. I have 2… 26 months and 5 months so completely understand your exhaustion! I have 3 siblings and felt like I had plenty of my mum’s time. I also loved having others to play with.
    Linda recently posted…How To Make A T-ShirtMy Profile

  7. October 6, 2015 / 5:13 am

    What a lovely post. I am so happy with my two boys and with 11 years difference between the two I thought I may want another but I’m content
    Michelle Murray recently posted…Cardooo Cards GiveawayMy Profile

  8. October 6, 2015 / 8:17 am

    Such a beautiful post celebrating human life your love for children shines throughout your post and it is truly commendable. Good luck with everything x
    Ana De- Jesus recently posted…70's Takeover: Miss PapMy Profile

  9. October 7, 2015 / 9:26 pm

    I totally know how you feel about September. I felt exactly the same and still feel quite a lot like that now! My head’s a little all over the place.

    I feel like I became a better Mum with each child. I was young (24) by today’s standards and like you, did a lot of growing up when I became a Mum. You don’t get a choice, do you? Xx

    Ps. being a Mum of three is great, although not without its challenges. The laundry… it NEVER ends!!
    Kerry recently posted…No Bake Cheat’s Cake PopsMy Profile

    • October 9, 2015 / 6:45 pm

      Yes me too! However October so far has been amazing which is always good! Yea you definitely don’t get a choice. Haha I can imagine I find the laundry never ends and I only have two! Xxx

  10. October 23, 2015 / 5:27 am

    Ah this is such a lovely post, I am a bit obsessed with the idea of having a 3rd baby this week, I think because so many people are pregnant! Mr C and I are both one of 4 and I would love to follow the same pattern, although ideally I would love twins last so I only had to do birth and pregnancy one more time.

    Mr C is not agreeing as of yet but I’m hoping in a year or two he will change his mind! x
    Jess @ Along Came Cherry recently posted…A Trip To Tyneham VillageMy Profile

    • October 23, 2015 / 5:44 pm

      Yes so many are pregnant making me extremely broody. Yes neither is mine hoping he will change his mind too. Not holding my breathe though ☺️ xx

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