I feel a little all over the place at the moment. Nothing has happened, there is just a lot going on in my head. I am thinking about so much, worrying, going over, doubting, lacking inspiration, trying to find me again. After a long summer with the children, which I think all us mums can admit are a little intense. A four year old and a one year old. Need I say more?
It was lovely, in so many ways but also overwhelming. I rolled through the days on hardly any sleep and still managed to whizz around like I had a never ending supply of energy. I don’t know how I didn’t collapse from it all. But I didn’t. And I am here now kind of feeling flat… I think that is the best way to describe it.
I need to pull myself together and get this lovely o’l blog of mine back up and running like it was before and during the summer. September has knocked me back significantly.
I have also been dreaming about babies recently too. Over the last few months. I never thought I would want another one after Archie, because having two, while doable, is completely challenging too. Both at home, both needing mummy, and always simultaneously too. Its a whole new ball game to having one.
So when I sit there quietly dreaming about a third baby, dreaming of all the snuggly newborn cuddles, breastfeeding again and the wonderful new baby smell. I find myself completely forgetting about the sleepless nights, the struggles to keep awake in the day and look after the other children. The little to no time at all with my husband. And then I really contemplate if it is the right thing for our family. I like the idea of another baby been a ‘surprise’ or gift’ as I really don’t think there will be anymore babies in our future, unless however it was unplanned. This of course would then be the only way we would have another. And sometimes I wish for that to happen because I know it would be the only way. But then I also don’t wish for it to happen either because I know how much time and effort a new life brings to a family and especially a mother. I know how much it will also effect the independence of my other two children.
I always told myself I wanted enough to cope with so that I could devote as much time to them as possible. I come from a family of three girls. I love my sisters but if I am honest I always remember wanting more of my mothers attention. So thats when I really am certain I don’t want another. But isn’t the thought of another baby just so utterly beautiful?
I am older, more mature. I am wiser. I know I would make an even better mother than before. I feel like I was a better mother to Archie then I was to Sophia. Mainly because I did things my way. I was more confident and I could beat myself up about that for a lifetime. But it wont change anything. I was 21 at the end of the day. And it is only in hindsight I see how very young and slightly immature I was. Grown up in some ways but still so very young in others. Looking to others for ways to make my baby sleep better or eat better. Rather than trusting myself and what I knew. I suppose I could only ever have been more confident and knowing what was best by doing it the first time to learn. Sophia really taught me so much and even now she does. She was the making of me. I am wiser, kinder, and more mature because of her.
I know I was a good mum to her, the best mum I could have been back then. But I always say to myself if I knew then what I know now…. That I didn’t need to stop breastfeeding to get her to sleep through the night, I didn’t need to try ‘the crying it out method’ to make her sleep. I didn’t need to worry that she wasn’t eating enough, and it was okay that both she and I wanted to co-sleep. If I could have told myself that rome wasn’t built in a day I think that would have been great advice too. Our relationship was not built in a day. it was built over the last 5 years, solidly through the love I gave her, the time I spent playing and reading to her, the times I held her hand when she was shy. When I offered her protection from the things she feared. When I told her that I loved her. These are the small gestures and the everyday actions that built our relationship.
The most beautiful thing to me is that we are still at the beginning of our journey and we still have a lifetime to build our relationship.
I treasure you little girl and I promise to be here for you, to hold your hand though it all and offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it. I have dreams to be here for you no matter what and in more ways then you need me. You are the funniest little girl I have ever met, the most beautiful and the most wise, you are wise beyond your years. You are the perfect daughter in every way possible for me. I couldn’t have asked for better.
Before I had you I had the recurring message from articles I read and people I met that having you so young would mean I would be giving up a lot. I could say here that I gave up everything to stay home with you. But really I gave up nothing. I gave up working for someone else 9-5 everyday to be home with you. I did it not to be better than anyone else but because the instincts inside of me where so strong to stay home with you it brought me to tears at the prospect of returning to work. I could not see you been taken care of by someone else while I was working. At the time of this decision we had no idea how we would survive financially. But we did it and things worked out and it was all so very worth it. To watch you grow up over the last 5 years is an experience I would never pass up, I would do it again one thousand times. You make me so proud. I look forward to all the years ahead of us, to the good times and the testing ones, I know without a doubt all of it will bring us closer and make our bond stronger, I love you so much.