Are you a grown up? It’s weird isn’t it? The way we grow up, the way we make choices, and the way we all ‘do’ life. We get up everyday and we do the same things, and the majority of the time we love it and we don’t second-guess anything. But sometimes in life’s fleeting moments I am sat thinking and realizing although I am 25 I feel like I was 15 almost weeks ago, not 10 years ago. The memories, crying over boys, skipping lessons, being rebellious, thinking I was cool!
I sit here typing this and think to myself how quickly life has gone, yet when you are in a moment how slowly it can go. Time is a funny thing, its seems to go as fast or as slow as you want. Just earlier today I was listening to music sorting paperwork, while Archie helped pick up the papers I had put on the floor and he tried his hardest to put them in the black bag, most of the time missing, as you know how big black bags are, especially for tiny fingers. His little feet running on the carpet, his lips pursued in concentration, as he collected each piece of paper, he is little and he is living, and learning every moment. These moments he wont even remember he is only 17 months old, but they will be so firmly imbedded into his subconscious that the childhood he experiences will be so much an intrinsic part of him, you will be able to see it in his smile, in his eyes, and the way he talks.
I get these moments of realisation when I am with my children, it can be anything, like today partaking in this activity with my son, I looked at him and watching him toddle around, I sat there and I thought I have complete responsibility over this precious little soul.. for now, and I have complete control of my house, the cleaning the cooking, making sure all the children’s clothes are washed and ready for them, making sure everything is just so for my husband, its our little nest, our sanctuary, a place not just to sleep and live, but a place that we call our home. We love it here, and for what it is now, we couldn’t be more grateful. And it was in this moment that I realised I was a grown up as I do on many other occasions.
I smile gently in the knowing that my life is moving on. My name, Tanita, that has never changed, my identity hasn’t changed. Just I have, albeit the fact that I am a grown up now. Archie looks up at me with his brown eyes, and smiles at me giving me the heads up he is happy and really enjoying this ‘game’ he is playing, putting the papers in the black bag. The twinkle in his eye, the real happiness he feels in just living life right now, fills me with the purest joy. I look at him and I realise I am in the same position my mum was in many years ago with me as her baby, looking up at her with that little twinkle in my eye, ready to take on this big world. The same feelings Archie and Sophia ignite in me I once ignited in my mum, and that is mind blowing. That is beautiful and that is life in its most purest form binging up your children is a whole new experience and a constant reminder of your own life.
The weekend just gone, we were at our neighbour’s house, the three children giggling and playing, while us adults had a drink and some food, we were all enjoying ourselves, and it was that particular scene that reminded me of my childhood, growing up and being with my parents when they were with their friends, playing with the other children and having the time of my life, while my parents enjoyed the company of friends. And that’s just how our weekends were, we were up way past our bedtime and we enjoyed every moment of freedom and fun outdoors on the summer nights. And now, well we’re doing just that, my husband, and me and our children.
I sit typing this in wonder and in disbelief; In wonder of how much of my life I have lived, and how much more awaits me, and I wonder how I will feel when I am 30, that’s only 4 years away! And I sit in disbelief because it all seems to be passing by so quickly. But I remind myself, that that’s okay, it okay that sometimes you feel it is all flashing in front of your eyes without a moment to savor it all. Its okay that life moves quickly, because sometimes it also moves slowly, and its in the many moments, the ones that happen in seconds, when me and my husband catch a glance of each other while running after the children, it may last for a second, but that second feels like the longest moment in my life, because in that second I can tell everything he is thinking, good or bad… his eyes tell me everything.
Just like my son looking at me with that twinkle in his baby eyes, life looks at me straight in the eyes, it reminds me of my past, cradles me in its present and lets me go in its future, it allows me to be free and experience life in all its purity all its beauty and all its most treasured experiences. It gives me everything in every moment, its just up to me to find it, to find the treasure, and hold the grateful perspective that being a ‘grown up’ gives me!
Here is to being a ‘grown up’!