I wrote this post on the 12th April 2015
“Never force just allow, never control just let it be.”
For me breastfeeding has not only been a gift to my son but to myself. I am so emotional today as this will be our third day and second night without breastfeeding. You can read my Breastfeeding Diary #1 here if you would like.
I can’t believe it has come to an end and that I am giving up. I feel like a failure in so many ways, but I am trying to see how much I have accomplished rather than being sad about it.
My son, in my opinion, is not ready to give up his boobies but I feel like I have to do it for myself; I need too. Breastfeeding is demanding especially when you have a son who loves his boobies so much, even waking in the night for them. I feel like I am silly for letting go of such a beautiful gift I can keep on using but I am not in the best place at the moment health wise I am really run down and I feel the only way to boost my immune system and feel at all better is to take the pressure off my body, the pressure off everything motherhood entails. And sadly for me that means giving up breastfeeding my son.
It’s not been easy by any means; it has been one of the hardest decisions I have made.
It’s been a challenge to say the least but I have enjoyed the journey, it’s been magical, absolutely soul fulfilling to be able to love nurture and feed my baby with my own body. I am beyond grateful that I had the chance to breastfeed for so long.
On the other hand I am also anxious, worried, and nervous all at once and also so deeply saddened it has come to an end. I am trying to let go and let it be, I am trying to accept it.
I also think I have had enough, and I find it hard to admit that, to surrender to the pressure and the needs of my body is hard (unless of course I am bed bound).
But on the other hand I think to admit and surrender, well that’s okay too. I need to tell myself that, I need to say: ‘it’s okay Tanita, it’s okay to feel terribly run down and need to do something for you.’ But it’s hard to listen and I haven’t been listening to my body for months. Hence why I feel like I am at a point of no return and I feel the only way to help myself is to discontinue breastfeeding.
My son will be 17 months this month and as much as I wish to carry on till he is ready I also feel like I need this I need to let go for myself. I love him so much and I know this will be the right decision for the whole family but it’s still so hard to accept moving forward and to no longer breastfeed.
I don’t think many people realise that breastfeeding is a lifestyle you choose, if you do it long term for say longer than 6 months it becomes your lifestyle. I could never leave Archie’s side; he has relied on me for everything, for his every need. I believe that’s what parenting is about and for that reason alone I feel guilty because I feel like I am forcing him to grow up to quickly.
While breastfeeding him he is still my little baby and he will come to me for everything. He needs me. Now that we are giving up and moving on he is still my baby but he doesn’t need me as intently as he did before and that makes me well up and cry. It makes my heart heavy. All I ask is that it becomes easier, and that I am doing the right thing. And that the tears and the sadness subside.